Holding Space
Creating a home, a grounded place for myself, has become a quest of adulthood. And certainly, something that is much needed right now. As a child, I moved a lot and never quite found that space to come back to over the years—a place of haven, security, and groundedness.
This weekend, I broke down over the communal-ness of ‘my’ space and time. A few days earlier, I snapped at my husband for coming into my ‘office’ without knocking. With sharing day-to-day life with two kids, a partner, and some pets, it makes sense to share so much, right? When a physical community with others is so limited, I simultaneously feel that I’m over-giving to my closest community.
The Imbalance
When my oldest came into our lives, I read, How Not to Hate Your Husband After Having Kids. The author is open about her frustrations as her husband goes on lengthy bike rides and even weekends away while barely getting a bath to herself. She highlights how common it is for women to spend their ‘off-time’ tending to household responsibilities - family relationship management, updating living spaces, creating menus, managing bill payments, and budgets, on and on. Though...my husband still has a private office with a lock on it. You won’t find a pacifier, toy, book of mine, or anything in there. Whereas my car is communal, his is a stick shift that two kids can’t fit in the back of, and I couldn’t drive if I wanted. My home computer is where our household's business takes place - grocery ordering, paying bills, saving important records, and now it even has a kids profile for the girls. The list goes on.
Hear me say no one is forcing me into this. It’s equal parts my own initiative, cultural conditioning, and mindlessness. Though I’ve been aware of this tendency for years, it rears its ugly head repeatedly, especially in times of stress when auto-pilot and my worst habits come out.
New Ways
In this time of EXTREME change, what about changing it all?
What would it look like to spend free moments only doing what tends the soul, spirit, and self?
Where is the permission to not respond to the relational needs of others?
What would it feel like to be less communal?
Am I teaching my girls to share by giving over every inch of space that could be mine, or am I reinforcing a cultural norm to prioritize bending and responding to others' needs?
As I struggle with making this change, I question myself often, try to imagine a world without the norms and conditions I’ve been taught, and think about what I ultimately want for my girls one day. May they not struggle, as I do, to find my space in the world, in my home, and my relationships. May they hold space for others and receive the same in kind.